Odd Things I've Said..

Usually to my kids. I'm quite sure the neighbors think we're all quite insane and I'm not too sure that they're wrong. I've found myself shouting odd things to my kids. But then, my kids do very odd and/or stupid things. Actually kids, in general, do very stupid things. It's amazing that any of us survive childhood. But enough of that, some things I've said to my kids...

"We do not chase each other with sticks. Do you have a death wish?"

"No, you cannot drag your sister down the stairs by her feet!"

"I don't care if you do have a rock collection, I'm tired of finding them in the washing machine. You're going to break it one day."

"I don't care if you do want a tattoo, we do not draw on ourselves with permanent marker. Do you know what a pain that is to get out?"

"6 year olds do not get tattoos. They'd stretch and get all weird looking when they grew." (This twisted bit of logic was the only thing that actually worked with my kids. I've never seen my poor mom look more lost.)

"Are you Kelso's child? I swear I've never seen a child poke her eyes so many times.. I'm amazed you're not blind."

"No, I will not dye your hair pink. Do you want to kill your grandfather?"

"I'm cold. Put on a sweater."

"I'm tired. Can't you take a nap or something?"

"Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been. A dog could've peed on it and you had your hands all over it and-- ew-- your fingers are in your mouth. You have dog pee in your mouth." (You'd think after that that they'd never pick up anything off the ground, but no..)

"If you keep throwing a fit, you're going to turn all green and ugly like that nasty witch on The Wizard of Oz." (I still feel badly about this one. After telling my daughter this, she promptly let out the biggest wail ever and then proceeded to puke...on my feet. Guess I deserved that.)

"No, you can't have hot pink platform shoes. I did not raise a hooker."

"You know how much you love Toys R Us? Well, Macys is mommy's Toys R Us."

"You really need to stop watching Lifetime movies with grandma.."

"You really need to stop watching Oprah with grandma.."

"If you keep that up, I swear I'll sell you to the circus."

"If you keep hitting your sister, I swear I'll tie your arms in a knot behind your head."

"No, I will not tie your arms behind your head. Sheesh.."

"Just because I won't tie your arms behind your head does not mean that you can still keep hitting your sister!"

"I told you she'd belt you one. Should've stopped hitting her."

"Don't you people understand cause and effect?!"

"Your eyes will rot if you keep playing that Game Boy."

"No, Oprah will not buy you an XBox. Yes, I do know that it's cheaper than a car."

I'm sure I've forgotten many more. But those are just the ones that came off the top of my head.